Puns & Riddles ("Plunge into the depths of Despair")[1]

"There should be something here to offend everyone, if you read far enough." (BMcC[18-11-46-503])

Prefatory note: This page, and my other satirical/humorous pages here, incl.: Just So Stories and Lists, have serious pedagogical purposes. (1) To illustrate how words can be shared safe fun, especially in time of pandemic when persons are well-advised to keep at least 6 feet social distance and to wear masks, and, even better, to just stay home.

(2) To show how study, which increases a person's repertoire of referential allusion, is important to enabling words to be as richly playable as possible. Language without allusive context – more privative than commercial aviation English which at least deploys pilots' and air traffic controllers' experience of aviation crises, etc. – can be stale and tasteless like flat cola water. Let François Rabelais and Robert Crumb and Pussy Riot and other good souls guide teachers, to help them better to guide their students and also to have more gratification for themselves in their lives and work!

Simon, a cat with cattitude. Simon says: "Don't be a dog; be a cat! Be Politically Incorrect, like me! Meow! I mean: Meow!"

Wokelish (political correctness) not spoken here.[2]
(Often awake, never woke: I am an Equal Opportunity Offender.)

"Behind every joke is a grievance." (Marshall McLuhan)

"See if there's anything good on...." "Why bother?" (DESPAIR, Copyright © Robert Crumb, 1969, used with permission for non-profit educational purposes only; authorized by R.Crumb himself: "McCormick, Permission granted. R. Crumb") Do not reproduce. This image to BMcC indexical of many things.
"See if there's anything good on." "Why bother?"

Airfield for the lynx-eyed (Galileo's Lincean Academy)? Wideawake (Royal Air Force Station Ascension Island) | Why is it preferable to be a kamikaze pilot than to commute to work? The kamikaze pilot only has to make the trip once. | Office events for which double arm amputees get a pass? "All hands" meetings. | Where do computer programmers become head-butting brutes? Scrum. | Internet hashtag used by sexually abused cats: #MeowToo. | Haircuts are [fill in the blank:] ____? Barberic. | A man walks into Wharton School of Business and asks the first MBA candidate he meets about Louis I. Kahn. What does the MBA candidate reply? "You mean Carl?" | Donald J. Trump (POTUS №45) took up playing a musical instrument. Which one? The strumpet. | What musical instrument does William Jefferson Clinton (POTUS №42) play? The sexaphone | Donald J. Trump got a computer. How much memory did it have? Many MAGAbytes (all non-ECC). | What does Vladimir Putin secretly get off on? Pussy Riot. | Hot young thing in Mr Putin's office? An apparatchick. | Prudery is what? Constipation of the soul. | What is Associate Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? A black face in a high place.[3] | What did the monopolist say when he held up the small businessman? "Up against the Wall-Mart!" | Where did Lyndon Johnson sit to conduct meetings and be interviewed in The Oval Office? On the toilet.[4] | Galileo Galilei did a celebrity TV commercial for Ex-Lax; what did he say? "Eppur si muove!" | Nihilistic American 3rd party Presidential candidate? Ralph Nadir.[5] | How did Moby Dick and Captain Ahab come to be allies and join forces? When the crew of the Pequod went on strike for higher wages and better working conditions. | Axl Rose started a jewish rock band. What did he name it? Guns N' Moses. | How do you say Toodaloo! to Western civilization? You Brexit. | The rebellion of Britain's American colonies (ca. 1775) was what? Brexit I. | United States currency is backed by what (Pick one)? (A) Fool's gold, or (B) Gold plating, or (C) Nothing or (D) Other [Please specify] | Uri Geller got into the American mass market home construction business. What did he produce? Levittowns. (What kind of houses did he build? Raised ranches.) | Political Correctness is what? Ethnic cleansing-Lite. | Recommendation on jacket cover of Edward Bernays' book: "Propaganda"? "Dr. Joseph Goebbels' Book of the Century prize finalist" (Of course, "Mein Kampf " had to be the winner.) ...

Oh, no! More: 

... Luc Besson film about the end of French cosmetics? Le derniere compact. | Where do lost tampons go? to Heaven.[6] | What is the chef's signature dish in the Educational Testing Service (ETS) Princeton NJ 501(c)(3) employee's cafeteria? Élève bourguignon. | Where do dummmies stop for breakfast? Duncecap Donuts. | Hot chicks' favorite fast food restaurant: McDildo's. | French pizza parlor chain named after a national hero? Little Corporal's. | Gay people's favorite soft-serve ice cream stores: Dairy Queens. | Castro-era Cuban restaurant? Chez Guevara. | Animal themed Broadway Musical about the Covid-19 pandemic? Bats. | What does the nation of India need to preserve its democracy? A big dose of iMODIum. | How does the Greek restaurant owner keep his balance? He uses a gyro-stabilizer. | Rembrandt van Rijn went to work in a pizza parlor. What did he make? Masterpizzas. | What do South Koreans eat to feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Seoul food. | Buddhist temple in Kyoto (Japan) with a restaurant that serves only fermented bean curd? Tofukuji. | What did the artist and inventor Leonardo say when he came back from France to Italy? Veni, vidi, da Vinci. | Bad dream of Yale Coop Manager? Nightmare on Elm Street. | Low cost general purpose military all terrain personal transport vehicle? CHEEP | Bank founded by Puritans in New York City? Chaste Manhattan. | There are 3 genders: male, female → and what is the third? Pregnant. | Great military tactician felled by an enemy within? USAF Col. John R. Boyd.[7] | Single use, disposable joint venture (Toyota, Honda, Mitsubishi, et al.) automobile model? Ohka. | Premier USSR vinyard? The chateau of the proletariat, Kubanvinogradagroprom. (NYT, 01Nov20) | What is the shortest distance between two points in gerrymandered space? The party line. | Where are hi-tech forced labor camps located? Cyberia. | TV quiz show featuring persons who have meaningless jobs? You Waste Your Life. | Social medium for chatty women who post short messages? Twatter. | Inventor of the vacuum chamber cleaner? JamesFreeman Dyson | Swedish city noted for clumsy computer programmers? Oopsala. | If your Uncle is Sam, who is your cousin? Son of Sam. | Social network Twitter-using kids' Halloween threat? "Tweet or treat!" | Swamps in cyberspace are... Blogs. | Who invented moveable type in China in the 11th Century CE? Tei Po (alternate reading: Teip Oh). | Title for Eugene O'Neil play set in contemporary Tokyo? The Boxman Cometh. | A homeless man was walking down a street, looking for some grass. What did he find? A pot hole. | Compact car for the dead people market? The Nash Necropolitan. | Independent Chinese restaurateur? Chang Kai Chef. | What gave the monk his "edge" as a geometer? He had a guardian angle ('∠'). | Poseidon's chew? Trident sugarless gum. | Most corrupt crooner? Frank Sinatra. | Sexual disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)? Abstinence. | Famous statue of pregnant Roman goddess of fertility? Venus de Foetus. | What is a person's motherland? Their Cuntry of origin. | For whose intercession do post-partum Roman Catholic women pray? Our Lady of the Stretch marks. | After removing every word that could possibly offend them, what did the politically correct people rename what remained of what had hitherto been called "the English language"? Wokelish. | Unaccredited design school founded by disgraced former United States President? The Donald J. Trump-L'oeil Institute of Pornographic Art. | Universally accepted financial instrument in all patriarchal societies? Female virginity.[8] | Alcoholic vampire? Drunkula. | What did the First Class passenger on RMS Titanic say to the person who was publicly showing fear of something or other, just after the ship broke in half? "You worry about everything! Stop that!" | Credit card for mafiosi and the Yakuza? Mobstercard | A penny saved is what? Devaluated. | Country where everybody has good renal health? A urination. | Albert Einstein went to work for Music Television. What fundamental law of advertising did he discover? E = M * (TV ** 2) [Energy equals Music TeleVision squared]. | Beverage made by Kraft Foods especially for the first Nationalist Chinese astronaut? KuominTang. | 19th Century French chef who wrote about provincial American cuisine? Alexis de Toqueville. | If rabbits were cannibals, what would their favorite snack be? Carrotid arteries. | Stefan Zweig wrote a book about his childhood home life. What did he title it? "The World of Yesterdaddy". | After the war (WWII), Karl Dönitz wanted to keep a low profile. What business did he operate? A submarine sandwich shop. | Big boss bullfrog hired an assistant. What won the new hire his position? He was a toadie. | PBS TV show about domiciles their current occupants hate? This Damned House. | How did Sun-Tzu win debates? He let his opponents eat their own words. | To what fraternity/sorority do house cats belong? Kappa Alpha Tau (Κ Α Τ). | What do 21st century dogs do when they see the moon? They e-Bay (Aside: 21st century donkeys e-Bray). | Former U.S. President who was fascinated by space-based laser weapons? Ronald Raygun (POTUS №40). | Transportation machines that move around without external governance? Automobiles (literally). | Mindless manager of the global economy? The invisible hand. | Publisher that does a hatchet job on everything? Hachette.[9] | Head of the U.S. Federal Government Department of Cynicism? Senator Mitch McConnell.[10] | What did the virus say to the host cell? "Tear down this wall!" | They had a competition for Friedrich Nietzsche's Last Man[11]. Who won (pick one)? (A) Ronald Reagan (POTUS №40)[12], or (B) Senator "Mitch" McConnell, or (C) The Three Stooges (group entry), or (D) Jair Bolsonaro, or (E) Other [there were many entrants]? | Zen: If Elon Musk met Nicola Tesla on the road, would Elon Musk notice there was a road, or, a fortiori, that there was anybody on it? Select one of the following: (A) Yes, or (B) No, or (C) Maybe? | What is the most dangerous creature in the ocean? The loan shark. | The most dangerous medical quack? The spin doctor. | The most dengerous perjurer? A yes man. | Silent killers? Deadlines.[13] | In what kind of transformed future existence did the foetus believe? An afterbirth. | Why didn't the foetus want to be born? Because it didn't want to forfeit its right to life. | What do fish wear when they go swimming? [I don't know, do you?] | Sony pocket music player for politically correct people? The Wokeman. | Contestant who won big on politically-correct Jeopardy TV game show? A quizling. | Elon Musk relocated his automobile production factory to Oklahoma. What name did he rebrand the cars? Tulsas. | How does one remove Judge Robert Bork from The Bench? By an aborktion. | What is an unwanted pregnancy? An enemy within. | What do you call a man who wants to father a child by a woman who has already had one? A motherf*cker. | Person who worships a cervid? A Mooslim. | What did the disgruntled Facebook employee say when asked what he thought about the future? "It zucks!" | Trendy Manhattan young professionals who move to the quiet northern suburbs, spend a lot of money renovating a house and tearing down all the trees and build a high fence around their whole back yard and being otherwise unpleasant scenery? Yuckies. | What does an anti-communist duck say? "HUAC! HUAC" (A dyspeptic dog? "Barf! Barf!") | Publisher based in Antarctica? Penguin books. | Unstated law of voodoo economics? What goes up must come down. | The Confederacy went where? It went south. | Why did the Egyptian Pharoahs build the Great Pyramids at Giza? For defense against potential attack by Saddam Hussein with [cuneiform] WMD's (Weapons of Mass Destruction). | What did the Candid Camera videographer say to the toadie politician? "Smile! You're telling lies! You're on...." | Vegetarian British-American merchant and a slave trader, Governor of Madras, after whom a great American university is named? Elihu Kale. | What aspect of pre-digital revolution life does computerization not improve upon? Red tape. (Alternate correct answer: Bureaucracy) | What inappropriate adjective did the computer programming manager who thought he was "hot stuff" use to describe his slick new application program? He said it was: "sexy".[14] | What do you call the driver of an 18-wheeler who gets on your rear bumper when you are not causing him any trouble on the road? A mothertrucker.[15] | How to prevent haste from making waste? When the boss of a person whose raises were always late coming had a heart attack and pleaded for the employee to dial 911 ASAP.... [The employee reassuringly replied: "I'm doing it as fast as I can!"] | Lubricant made and marketed by The Vatican? 3-IN-1 Oil. | What ship delivered the atomic bomb to Tinian? The heavy cruiser USS Necropolis. | The first atomic bomb was dropped on what city? Heroshima. | What U.S. General expected he would be tried as a war criminal if his country lost the Pacific War? Curtis Dismay. | CEO of The White Star Line who got away Scot-free after Titanic sank? J. Bruce Dismay. | What code name did Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein give to the Nixon administration official who leaked to them secrets of the White House kitchen? "Deep dish". | With what young woman did President Bill Clinton have a scandelous affair? Monica Lewdinsky. | What did the young lady who had a sexual affair with the President of The United States reply, when asked about how it went? "What a Linda Tripp!" | Where was President Clinton interrogated under oath about his personal life? In the Starr Chamber. | What does Judge Amy Coney Barrett reply to any and every question she is asked in U.S. Supreme Court confirmation hearings? Name, rank and serial number[16] (Alternative correct answer: She takes the 5th). | Correct French pronunciation of Russia's President's name? Vladimir Putain.[17] (aka: Vlad la Putain; Hallelujah, Pussy Riot!) | Archie Bunker/Ronald Reagan (POTUS №40) went to Japan and saw a dry [white gravel] garden in a Buddhist temple. What question did Archie/Ronnie ask? "You have a tiger here?"[18] | What did Atilla the Hun say to the Chinese Emperor? "Tear down this wall!" | What was George W. Bush's (POTUS №43) Vice President Richard Cheney doing when he accidentally shot a friend? Hunting quayle. | Word that means: "of doubtful value or veracity"? Dubyaous. | Pre-literate tribe recently discovered in the Texas savannah? the Bushmen. | George W Bush's (POTUS №43) personal code of honor? Bushido. | Head scarf worn by conservative Republican women? BaBushka. | What do "cognitively challenged" children become when they grow up? Adolts. | Conniving monk who took over the Russian government after the fall of Communism? Vladimir RasPutin. | USSR-made disposable single use camera? Laika.[19] | High flying corporate executives who keep busy doing nothing useful? Administriviators. | What do your call a stupid or narrow-minded person 21 years of age or older? An uh-dolt (alt.: adolt). | Where do women who become Tech company executives' trophy wives go to et their boob jobs done? Silicone Valley. | Leader of the Felids Republic of China (FRC)? Chairman Meow. | Medusa slept with the enemy in Vichy France (WWII). How did the partisans deal with the problem? They shaved her head. | Chemical element name targeted as being politically incorrect? Helium. | What noise does a Politically Correct bullfrog make? "Woke! Woke!" | What purpose do woke lighthouses serve? To tell ships' captains what to think. | Alice in Wonderland was edited to make it politically correct. Where did Alice's adventure begin in the corrected version? She went down a black hole. | Q: which came firet: the chicken or the egg? A: The Stromatolite | What bumper sticker did the anti-aircraft (triple-A) gunner stick on his car? FLAK IS BEAUTIFUL | Why don't pilots on commercial airplances have parachutes? So they have skin in the game. | Why do CEOs have golden parachutes? So they can safely get out. | What do happily married parachutists do? They fall in love💗 | What small mammal did the gay couple have for a housepet? A catamite. ["Meow!"] | A house cat's preferred abode? A chateau. | What is another name for an Ayatollah? Propheteer. | U.S. Navy Admiral who oversaw the development of the first nuclear submarine manned by young ladies who wanted to protect their purity? Hymen Rickover. | What did George W. Bush (POTUS №43) (or was it Richard Cheney?) do to his opponent in the 1999 Presidential election? He gored him. | Danger for Allied troops in Afghanistan and Iraq? Being ambushed. | Hybrid cars are what? Too much of too little and too complicated for anybody's good. | Bush's (POTUS №43) shtick? The Patriot Act. | When George W. Bush (POTUS №43) died and went to heaven, he met Alexander the Great; What question did George ask Alexander? "Tell me, Al! How were you able to conquer the world without having been tapped for Skull and Bones?" | What did the person answer when asked if they came from a large family? It's all relative.[20] | Whom did the mentally challenged conservative think was President of The United States? Obama bin Laden. | Which is an oxymoron (pick one): (A) Marxist humanism, or (B) Capitalist humanism, or (C) Both A and B, or (D) Neither A nor B, or (E) Other? [I think it has to be one of them.] | Name of Rock 'n Roll band for prigs and prudes? The Fig Leafs. | Proactive treatment for Obsessive Complusive Disorder (OCD)? Redundant backup systems. | Psychopathology time. What is the opposite of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? IDontCareAShitAboutItItis. | Extremely valuable rare earth ore mined by colleges and universities to fatten their endowments? Alum-inum. | Breakfast of losers? Wheenies. | Kellogg's breakfast cereal for cats? Mice Krispies. | How do house cats chill their drinking water? With mice cubes. | Honest politician? Harry Truman. | Powerful lioness who ruled the Russian Empire? Caterine the Great. (Meow!) | Crafty U.S. President? (POTUS №32) Franklin D. Rusevelt.[21] | What did the astronomer say when asked about the big space rock that slammed into Times Square, obliterating Manhattan south of 125th Street? "It was a disasteroid." | George W. Bush's (POTUS №43) Secretary of Defense's favorite card game? Gin rummy.[22] | The Franklin Mint issued a collectible commemorative playing card deck for POTUS №45. What was special about it? It had 52 trump cards. | Fill in the blank: The house for sale featured a big ________ pool in the back yard. Pick one: (A) swimming, (B) drowning, (C) flesh eating, (D) steno, (E) other. | What did the septic tank cleaner reply whenever somebody tried to bully him? "I don't take any shit off anybody!" | After he left the Presidency, John F. Kennedy got into fast cars (automobiles). What did he say when he addressed the Ferrari factory employees in Modena (Italy)? "Ich bin ein Berlinetta[23]". | Sexy, blonde 1950's Hollywood movie star from Liberia? Marilyn Monrovia. | A cat became an opera singer. What was its favorite aria? O Filet of Sole Mio (Alternative: O Sole Meow) | Waterfowl that sank famous 19th century whaling ship? Moby Duck. What did the computer programmer say after he flunked the turing test? I guess I'll have to reprogram myeslf. | What grade the the teacher give Bjarne Stroustrup in his computer language design course: C-- | Big "scoop" for news reporter on the Titanic? An iceberg tip. | Fashionable high price wristwatches? Haute whorlogerie. | Why did the autocrat trip? Because pride comes before a fall. | Country with its head in the sand? Osterreich (Austria). | Fashionable vacation island off Falmouth, Massachusetts? Martha Stewart's Vinyard. | Fashionable vacation island off Falmouth, Massachusetts with good child care services? Nannytucket. | Golf course and leisure community in Falmouth, Massachusetts? Tiger Woods Hole. | Safe OTC analgesic? medijuana. | Uptight English persons who came to America on The Mayflower? Pruditans. | Insurance company providing workman's comp to streetwalkers? The Pudential. | The most reproductive form of labor? Sex work (Alternate correct answer: childbirth). | Epidemiologial equivalent of an astronomical supernova? A superspreader event. | How do Wokies die? They croak. | Con artist who made billions in real estate speculation? Donald Trump-L'œilAll trash to recycling! (POTUS №45). | What are fly (order Diptera) larvae called? MAGAs. | Symphony orchestra based in Geneva that specializes in Lite classical music? The Orchestre de la Suisse Cheese ("it's full of holes"). | Zillionaire[24] lunatic rodent, who's out of this world? Elon Muskrat. | Why are little men from Mars always green? (A) They photosnythesize, or (B) They are rolling in dough, or (C) They are envious, or (D) Other [Please specify]? | Where do Americans buy upscale tchotchkes? Crate & Bauble. | The worst invasive predatory species in Florida? Snowbirds. | What is a person (of any racial ancestry) who has irregular, no benefits employment? A gigger. | America's richest President? Dollar J. Trump (POTUS №45). | How many times a day does a stopped clock tell the correct time? Twice.[25] | Scourge of United States postal workers (USPS)? Louis DeJoylessAll trash to recycling!. | President Donald Trump's overweening Secretary of State? Mike Pomposity. | Saul of Tarsus aka St. Paul killed Julius Caesar. What were Caesar's last words? "Et jew, Brute?" | Judas Iscariot got a new job in the 20th Century. What difference did it make? They took FICA out of his paycheck. | The world's greediest autocratic imperialist nation state ruler? Xi Jinpig. | Indecisive General Secretary of the Communist Party of the People's Republic of China (PRC)? Xi Jinpingpong :-)[26] | Prime candidates for reconstrutive maxillofacial surgery? Smiling faces that tell lies. (☺☻) | America's 2020 Ship of State? The USS Narrenschiff.[27] Said ship's armament? Loose cannons on the deck. | Donald Trump's (POTUS №45) Vice President? Mike Penance. | What did Marshall McLuhan say about deregulation in the telecom industry? "The medium is the mess." | Q: What do you get when you mate Ronald Reagan with Julia Child? A: A jellybean croissant. | Q What did Ground Control do in their last communication with Major Tom? A: They told him he had been promoted to Lieutenant Colonel. | What is any chicken crossing a road? A target of opportunity. | Spy plane Lockheed Martin customized for the Roman Senate? The U-2, Brutus. | United States military service branch that allows long hair and beards? The Hair Force. | Preferred haircut for close-knit groups? Crew cuts. | What do diners at the restaurant for cannibals fear? Becoming dinners. | Tattletale nuclear physicist? Edward Teller. | What holiday do pregnant women celebrate? Labor Day. | Uncouth Israeli Prime Minister? Benjamin Netanyahoo. | Podium for Savonarola? Dias irae. | Why is being celibate better than being castrated? Because it gives you more opportunities to "Just say 'No!'". | The difference between a trophy wife and a streetwalker? The trophy wife has a permenent gig and a pension. | CIA/KGB double-agent disguised as a mendicant monk? Aldrich Alms. | Documents classified specifically to not be seen by blind persons? "eyes only" memoranda. | United States military service branch staffed by rabbits? The Hare Force. | Covert operations agency for scions? The Heir Force. | One side or the other captured The Devil. They sent him to Portmeirion aka The Village. What id was he assigned? Number Six-sixty-six. | Is Plato William F Buckley, Jr.? Select one of the following: (A) Yes, or (B) No, or (C) Maybe? | Politicized American spy service? The Central Disinformation Agency. | What did the lifeguard say to the person who was doing something ill advised? "Carefool!" | 2004/2020 U.S. Presidential aircraft? Air Farce One. | What did the Brits do about their Brexit hernia? They strapped on a Liz Truss. | What happens to boys who will be boys when they grow up? They become mancavemen. | Ferdinand Magellan was reborn as a Rebbe. What was his great achievement? He was the first explorer to circumcise the Earth. | What was the first building Robert Venturi designed? The Vanna White House. | After Robert Venturi died, what procedure did the coroner carry out on his corpse? A post-modern. | Where was Robert Venturi's body entombed for all eternity? In a decorated shed. | For what building is Philip Johnson most noted? The Chip and Dale skyscraper (NYC). | What time zone is 42nd Street and Park Avenue in Midtown Manhattan located in? GCT. | B-29 with a load of biological weapons? Ebola Gay. | Who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey? Homer Simpson. | Bird disease potentially fatal to humans – pick one: (A) H5N1, or (B) KFC? | Everybody's favorite uncle – pick one: (A) Joe, or (B) Sam, or (C) Ben, or (D) Remus, or (E) Other? | South Korea runs on – pick one: (A) AC, or (B) DC, or (C) KCDC[28] current. | America runs on what? Empty.[29] No! America runs on: Duncecap Donuts! | The earth is → pick one: (A) round, or (B) flat, or (C) whatever shape you were taught to believe it is?[30] | What did René Descartes really write? Cogito ergo Σ. | Public heath (epidemiological) problem that leads to cancel culture? SARS (Severe Acute Semiotic Syndrome). | Jesus came back to earth in USA in 1959. He held a Last Barbecue. What did he tell his apostles before he served them? "Hic est corpus bovis." | What did the devout Muslim inventor invent? A Meccanism. | How do Muslim women intimidate people? They make veiled threats. | Islamic stealth weapon technology? The burqa bomber. | What did the Christian Egyptian do when Muslims demanded that he convert? He Copt out. | Pontius Pilate converted to Christianity and became a monk; What was his watchword? Lavare est orare. | How are the streets in a politically correct city illuminated at night? With black light. | What kind of politically correct insect swarms? Wocusts. | What did the new Macintosh computer fan say about his old Microsoft computer? It's Gone with the Windows. | What were communists, in Senator Joseph R. McCarthy's opinion? Politically incorrect. | What would you call it if Sarah Palin was burned at the stake? A baked Alaskan. | Why did the cop give the cow a traffic ticket? For a mooing violation. | What species of Bovinae do ideological witch hunts produce? coweds. | Filmmaker famous for making movies set in shopping centers? Louis Mall. | Penurious cartoonist? R. Crumbs. (example of his work: above) | EEO hotelier's motto? De guestibus non disputandum est. | What movie would Voltaire produce if he worked for Disney today? Peter Pangloss. | What did the young women who used smokeless tobacco demand? The right to chaws. | Political reactionaries took over the General Electric Company. What was their advertising slogan? "Regress is our most important product." | Religious fanatics took over IBM. What was their motto? DON'T THINK. | George Patton's Third Army requisitioned Standard Oil Company. What was their motto? Put a tiger in your [Sherman] tank. | Listerine made a special extra-strength mouth wash for Patton's Army. What words were prominently displayed on the label? "Kills Germans by millions on contact." | Each year since 1860, rain or shine, war or peace, the telegraphers association has had an annual gala, September 1. What do they call it? The Carrington event. | Each year since 1963, Postmodernist architects have a masked ball. Where do they hold it? In a decorated shed. | The Vatican had an annual black-tie dinner. What kind of special formal invitations did they order from Johannes Gutenberg? Printed indulgences. (Example above, right) | What common over-the-counter pharmaceutical is prohibited on submarines? Hydrogen peroxide. | What is the strongest laxative? Purgatory. | What small mammal is commonly associated with Easter? The Estrous Bunny. (Her mate? A Rebbet.) | "Congratulations!" from a Jewish cat? "Mouzel Tov!" | How do you interact with a cat? You communicat. | Feline philosopher? Cato. | Feline cowboy? Hopalong Catsidy | A thinking cat is a... philosofur. | Lawyer who represents victims of felid discrimination? An advocat. | Elementary school subject for cats? Kitty litteracy. | Martial art practiced by cats? Litter boxing. | Large Spanish feline that discovered Florida (1513)? Pounce de León. | Kitty's favorite frozen desert? Mice cream. | Kitty who played the harpsichord? Wanda Landowskat. | Felid cotillion? A hair ball. | When the brave little mouse traversed Catland, he carried a banner. What did it say? "Don't pounce on me!"[31] | What kind of dance party do livestock breeders host? Meatballs. | Potentially fatal delicacy for cannibals? Meatheads (they may be infected with prion disease). | The early bird gets what? Worms.[32] | What lower life form is a perennial problem for coin operated vending machine companies? Slugs. | In what sub-discipline of theology did the libertine minister specialize? Escatology | Monastic carcel? Cellibacy. | Victoria's Secret? Albert. | Frito-Lay's version of the City of Gold? El Dorito. | What did people say when the master bagel maker retired? Sic transit gloria bialy. | Health inspectors, to restauranteurs? The Gustapo. | What did the frail old man say to the hot young chick? "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" (Matt 26:41) | What did the young Christian lady aide in Governor Cuomo's offics do when he lighty kissed her? She remembered that Jesus said to turn the other cheek. | What was the real reason Sisyphus kept rolling his rock up the hill? His doctor told him he needed to get more exercixe. | What do sexual predator clerics do when they feel the urge to sin? They prey. | What are the initials of the Secret Police for school students in U.S.A. (clue: It's not K.G.B.)? E.T.S. (Educational Testing Service (501)(c)(3)) | Library for messy readers? Bibliothèque. | Reptile with an insatiable appetite for books? The Alligeditor. | Buddhist holy person who earns his living as a surrealist artist? Salvador Dali Lama. | Actress famous for her performances in Nexium and Prilosec ads? Sarah Heartburn. | What do young ladies study in chemistry class? The periodic table. | Why do corporations work out at the gym? To keep fiscally fit. | Eponymous painter of slaughtered hogs? Francis Bacon. | What was Vlad the Impaler(1431-1476)'s favorite food? Human shish kebabs. | Selfish artists' motto? Ars gratia artist. | Advertising slogan for brewery owned by psychoanalysts? "It's Alice Miller time!" | Great engineers of the Pre-Columbian Americas? Aztechs, Toltechs and Olmechs. | Why should life have originated on some other planet (aka: "in outer space")? NIMBY (Alternate correct answer: NIH, i.e.: Not invented here). | Politically correct university department founded after protests by descendents of kidnapped aliens? Astro-American studies. | Wilfully strict/demanding teachers? torMentors. | Political liberal's nightmare? Ronald Reagain (POTUS №40+) | Company that won contract to delouse foot soldiers after World War I? Boots & Cooties. | Late December ethnic holiday celebrated today in prefab U.S. military World War II buildings? Quonset. | Contemporary philosopher who writes gibberish? Jacques Derridada. | Unethical French psychoanalyst? Jacques Lacon. | News service staffed by spaced out reporters? The Dissociated Press. | Inauspiciously named submarine? The Scuttlefish. | When Elon Musk finally reached The Red Planet (Mars), who did he find had got there first? The Bolsheviks. | Where are meetings held? In the boredroom.[33] | What is France, to an Englishman (Also: England, to a Frenchman)? The light at the end of the Chunnel. | What did veterinarian prescribe for pig with laryngitis? An oinkment. | Raold Amundsen and Admiral Richard Byrd's psychiatric diagnosis? They were bipolar (DSM-IV Code: 296). | Concordat among witches? A covenant. | Gastrointestinal disorder to which witches are prone? Crone's disease. | Professional sports team on which there is even more wagering than usual (hint: it's not the Jets, Mets or Nets)? The Bets. | Strenuous sport where social distancing can be practiced? Singles tennis. | What contact sport did Jesus play? Lacrosse | How do athletes masturbate? They jock off. | What contact sport did Œdipus play: Football.[34] | With what high distinction did the jock graduate college? With much locker room nudity ("magna cum publica nuditate"). | Where was The Garden of Eden? In Appleachia. | Witty British science magazine for fundamentalist Christians? New Creationist. | Where do convicted felons hope to do their time? Club Fed. | Where do ghosts vacation? Club Dead. | What do Iranian Ayatollahs do when they masturbate? They Qum. | Rallying slogan for orthodox Jewish housewives abused by their husbands? "Gotta get a Get!" | Native home of Spanish lynxes? Catalonia. | Jean-Paul Sartre's intimate partner? Simone de Boudoir. | General William Tecumseh Sherman took his family for a vacation. What did they do? They marched to the seashore. | General Ulysses S Grant occasionally imbibed. What was his alcoholic drink of choice? Grant's Scotch. | How does the D.A. preserve evidence? In Perry Mason jars. | Indicted diplomat's lawyer's burden? An attaché case. | Where is The Great Leader of the Chinese Communist Revolution buried? In a Maosoleum | Edifice erected in memory of a beloved rodent? a Mousoleum. | Wimpy Italian dictator? Benito Mousolini. | Which early Christian theologian underwent colon surgery? John Chrysostomy. | Patriotic French cigarettes? Charles de Gauloises. | Patriotic British cigarettes? Sir Winstons. | Lawrence Welk's whole orchestra was inducted into The War. What did they rename themselves? The Campaign Musicmakers. | Hitler's K-9 corps? The Woofen SS. | Uncouth British Prime Minister? Boorish Johnson. | Dental problem endemic among politicians? Truth decay. | Why do field engineers need product developers? Because otherwise they would not have any work to do (i.e.: no problems to fix). | The political activist found his calling in life. What was it? His wocation. | Who is the "Star Child" foetus at the end of Stanley Kubrick's film 2001? Michael Jackson.[35] | City of fallen luminaries? Lost Angeles. | Young male in Ukraine's capital who evades military service? A Chicken Kiev. | Evil Iraqi ruler whose cities were destroyed by God? Sodom Hussein. | Theocratic ruler of Libya? Mullahmmar al-Gaddafi. | Final exam question in Dogmatics 101? "Did Moses have a 'viewpoint'? Defend your answer."[36] | Moderate Islamists' version of Holy War? Jihad Lite. | Fatwa, American style? "Wanted: Dead or Alive". | What did Smokey the Bear tell Saddam Hussein? "Remember: Only you can prevent oil well fires!" | What did the CIA operative name his marmalade color cat? Agent Orange. | Special properties pertaining to felids? Cattributes. | Knowledgeable philosophy professor? Paul Weiss | A homosexual male felis domesticus ("tom") is what? A catamite. | Toxic salamander that became Speaker of The United States House of Representatives? Newt Gingrich. | Chevrolet automobile you can buy with sweat equity? The Corvée. | The American Automobile Association opened a gourmet restaurant. What was the signature dish it offered? Roadkill of the day. | Boeing long-range commercial jetliner (7E7) that failed to sell? Dreamflatliner. | Newspaper article about a satellite burning up in the earth's atmosphere? An orbituary. | What did the astronaut training school graduate? Space cadets. | Obstructive U.S. Senator from the tract house developers' state? Joe MacMansion. | Psychologists' exclamation upon finding lab rat has genius I.Q.? "Amazing!" | What did the NTSB do when they discovered a certain model swivel chair's legs had a tendency to break, rendering the chair unstable and placing the occupant at risk of falling off? They issued a chairworthiness directive. | Sausage for mischievous children? Bratwurst. | How did the J.R.R.Tolkein addict cure themself of their obsession? They kicked the hobbit! | Antarctic humorists? Punguins. | Vintage Japanese wristwatches? Senior Citizens. | Literary theorist who inspired Heidegger's term for inauthentic life? Paul das Man. | Human infants scattered everywhere? The diapera. | To what legal action is a small child riding in an automobile subject? Incarseateration. | Crocodilians that never lose their way? Navigators. | For what did the overworked Starbuck's employee give thanks? "At least I don't work for Ahab's!" | Most boring post-season college football game? The Siesta Bowl | Fixed post-season college football game that got exposed? The Fiasco Bowl. | Jocks get what from girls? Sanitation service. | NBC TV series where police detectives track down gas guzzlers? Law & Order: SUV. | Extra large SUV made by General Motors for the Russian market? the Yukos. | St. Petersburg summer basketball team? The White Knights. | Unscrupulous physicians' code or conduct? The Hypocritic Oath. | Branch of mathematics taught in dental school? Calculus. | Dictionary of Internet terminology? Webster's. | Cartoon section for newspapers during pandemic? the flunnies. | Fancy chocolate for 18th century French aristocrats? Rococoa. | Sigmund Freud lived into the 1950's and moved to America. He revised his mental model to be what? Split-level. | Shaespeare updated "The Tempest" in 2020. What did he rename his character "Caliban"? Taliban.[37] | What did Freud do when he didn't have patients? He slept on the couch. | What is a cigar? A phallic symbol fire on one end and a fool on the other.[38] | D.W. Winnicott got into air traffic control. With what did he then provide his patients? A holding pattern. | Computer scientists' AI replacement for psychoanalysts? Wilfred Bionic. | Play about an artist who fails to raise his girlfriend above the poverty line (based on a Greek myth)? "Orpheus in the Underclass". | Gourmand Knight of the Round Table? Sir Lunchalot. | Why did Robert Venturi get kicked out of Mies van der Rohe's architecture class? Because he told the teacher: "More is more". | Scourge of God in search for his next meal? Attila the Hungry | Gluttonous 20th century architect who also read omens, said what? "More is More" and "God is in the entrails." | Embattled rhetoricians' bumper sticker? "Support our tropes". | Pacifists took over the United States DoD. What bomber did they procure? the B-gone. | What did the "spoil sport" say that dampened the spirits of the man who was happily singing in the rain? "You're all wet." | How do fleeing felons evade tracking by bloodhounds? They use deodorants. | How do antiperspirants frustrate upward mobility for working men and women? They prevent the formation of sweat equity. | How do politically correct medical researchers kill bacteria and viruses? They cancel their cultures. | BMcC[18-11-46-503]'s guess how fast a Bugatti Veyron will go from 0 to 60 mph? in 20 gallons. | Commercial television comedy series for teenagers? Zitcoms. | Word game for dysfunctional families? Squabble. | Entomological hazard faced by explorers of earth's moon? Lunaticks. (their unique OCD symptom? lunatics) | What get rich quick scam was favored by Egyptian Pharoahs? Pyramid schemes. | Ancient Egyptian spice merchant who became Pharoah? Tutancumin. | What enemy did "tailgunner Joe" famously shoot at? The U.S. Army. What happened? They (Joseph Welsh) took him out. | Musician who really socked it to 'em? Frank Zappa[39] | Document issued by municipal Departments of Building and Zoning Services in Vichy France? "C of O" (certificate of occupation). | General Mills cereal served at Heathrow departure gates? Cheerios. | What did failing student say when teacher told him he got a "D"? "I passed!" | What is the measure of all value in a deregulated economy? The gold-plated standard. (Alternate correct answer: Fools Gold.) | Where did the word "nihilism" come from? Aut Caesar Aut Nihil (Caesar or nothing) | What did 12 year old Jesus say when his mother found him in the deli talking with the countermen and she asked him why he had not come home on time? "I must be about my stomach's business." (Luke 2:49) | Yours truly (BMcC[18-11-46-503]) writes a letter to TJK (the Unabomber; 8 life sentences, no chance of parole). How did I end it? "peregrinatio in stabilitate". | Why should you always wear your eyeglasses in the dark? To protect against your eyes getting gouged if you run into something you don't see. | What does the acronym IBM mean? Idiots become managers.[40] | Q: What is an economist? A: A man with a Phi Beta Kappa key on one end of his watch chain and no watch on the other end.[41] | Why is a duck when it spins? [Dunno] | What did the telegrapher on RMS Titanic reply to a fellow telegrapher on another ship who sent a warning about an iceberg field? "Don't bug me with that stuff! I'm busy making a buck sending passengers' 'Meet you at the dock!' messages!"[42] | Dulce et decorum est pro patria, what? mori...

"Uncle Joe", aka Joseph Stalin aka Man of Steel, writing. He knew solfeggio perfectly. (Do you, my reader?) Q: Is the enemy of my enemy my friend?

... What do we call the spirit of a dead chicken that comes back to haunt us? A poultrygeist. | The spirit of a Dutchperson who drowns when a dike breaks? A poldergeist. | Feline snootiness is what? Cattitude. | Title of TV soap opera about a very unlucky cat? One life to live. | Movie about Herbert Philbrick's cat? I led nine lives. | Q: What is "the missionary position"? A: Lying face up, arrow straight, hands at sides or folded across chest, in one's open coffin[, dead].[43] | What command did Jesus give to Lazarus? "Come alive! You're in the Pepsi generation!" | Paths of glory lead but to what? The grave. | Inventor of the unanswered telephone? Alexander Graham Dialtone .[44]

+2023.02.13. A goof [typo: 'd'] one I missed: hopeium. But now that I think about it, there's heroin, too....

There's more stuff here: More puzzles. Let's enumerate: Some lists!

Cartoons I would draw if I could draw that would probably get me in trouble for offending people: here.

And some maxims: here.

What is the stupidest time of the year? Yuletide (aka:Christmas)

Joke of the day, +2022.10.30. Just in time for Halloween 2022. Something some asshole replied to something I wrote on Quora that offended their [apparently: a crypto-trader cunt who lives in the Alps...] soul: here.

Crescit eundo (It grows as it goes). Check out my Just so stories. (Grumble, grumble, kvetch, kvetch....) Notice some Invisible Elephants in the Room. Stop by my office. (And don't forget: Donald J. Trump! (POTUS №45)) Suggestions for more?[45]


+2024.02.16 v182 Ha! Ha!
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  1. "You could have done better but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right." (Bob Dylan)
  2. [reappropriated] USA English & [native] Cat are spoken here.
    Teacher: "Your English is not correct. I have made corrections. You get a 'C'" Student: "Did you understand what I wrote?" T: "Yes, I did." S: "Then I have successfully communicated with you. By what authority do you legislate language?" T: "Uhhh...." S: "I think you have no right to take away from me what is mine. Furthermore, If you have no words, you cannot get any by reverse transference." Credo quia absurdum.
    Be an Equal Opportunity Offender!
  3. Rev. Michael Dyson (CNN, +2020.12.08), and he said further: Thomas may not be considered by most black people to be representative of themselves.
  4. This is true, but he did not always do this. You are welcome to visit my office.
  5. Ralph Nader said it didn't really matter if his running for the Presidency in Florida in the 2000 election caused Bush (POTUS №43) to win instead of Al Gore because there was no big difference between the two.
  6. A woman actually said this in a Tampax ad. The ad was past by the time I caught it so I do not have a verbatim transcript. The lady was assured a tampon could not get lost in her body even though she said she could not find the one in question in the ad. ~ If lost tampons go to heaven, God must be awful busy; I mean he already has his risen Son on his hands, and now all these lost tampons. Oh, dear!
  7. Boyd died from colon cancer. (Get your colonoscopy!)
  8. Sealed packages of cigarettes played a similar role, albeit at a lower per item price point, in World War II. What is the conversion rate, on the spot market today, of unopened Lucky Strike packs to one intact Medici daughter, under age 16 years, with dowry? Note that women, unlike packages of cigarettes, are discounted with age.
  9. This assessment based strictly on personal (BMcC[18-11-46-503]) experience. Item: When Hatchet took over Grolier (USA), they took away employees' previous perk of working half-days Fridays during summer.
  10. Source: Charles ("Chuck") Schumer, United States Senator from New York (D).
  11. The earth has become small, and on it hops the Last Man who makes everything small.... He has sunk so low that he is no longer even able to despise himself.
  12. How does one differentiate a toad from a toadie? (A) The toad has epidermis with different secondary sensory qualities, and (B) the toad doesn't hop around during all its waking hours looking for innocent people to hurt and snickering to itself about it.
  13. "For the mindful god abhors untimely growth." (Friedrich Hölderlin)
  14. This is true. BMcC[18-11-46-503].
  15. This is true. BMcC[18-11-46-503].
  16. "PART III Captivity SECTION I Beginning of captivity Article 17 Every prisoner of war, when questioned on the subject, is bound to give only his surname, first names and rank, date of birth, and army, regimental, personal or serial number, or failing this, equivalent information. If he wilfully infringes this rule, he may render himself liable to a restriction of the privileges accorded to his rank or status." (The Geneva Conventions of 12 August 1949, p.88)
  17. I (BMcC[18-11-46-503]) made this assessment not later than 13 June 2002.
  18. Yes, my reader, Archie/Ronnie actually had learned that cat litter boxes exist. Mirabile visu!
  19. In reality, there is a Russian cigarette brand named: "Laika".
  20. Credit to: Internet Jumble puzzle game.
  21. "Roosevelt is dead: a man who would never tell the truth when a lie would serve him just as well." (General Douglas MacArthur)
  22. Rumsfeld's card deck of choice may have been the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) Spring 2003 Iraq war "Iraqi most wanted" playing cards. Each card had a picture of the face of a targeted Iraqi. Where no picture was available the card showed a standardized dummy outline of a human head. They'd probably be great collectibles today.
  23. As a rare model in concourse condition, he fetched US$213,000, at auction, 1987.
  24. Original spelling: "Zilllionaire". typo.
  25. This item is not original with BMcC[18-11-46-503]. ref. lost.
  26. It is apparently a crime in The People's Republic of China (PRC) to represent Xi Jinping as Winnie the Pooh. Smiling faces tell lies. To the best of my knowledge, nobody has yet been charged in The West for floating adorable Baby Trump (POTUS №45).
  27. Now boarding more passengers (August 2020). Children, teachers and other school employees first! (Vessel is long since greatly over maximum gross tonnage.)
  28. Korea Center for Disease Control and Prevention
  29. Or maybe America's running on: fumes. (Be careful what you breathe!)
  30. "Today, though Iceland is predominantly Lutheran, the belief in elves – or at least an unwillingness to dismiss them entirely – remains. For some, it seems logical --if we can have faith in a God we can't see, why not in huldufolk too?" (TripTrivia, 3 Sep 2020)
  31. The streetwalker with cattitude's banner? Don't f-ck with me!
  32. "The early bird finds the worm, they say.... But the rich bird snatches the worm away." (Bertolt Brecht, "Salzburg dance of death")
  33. In interminable, boring meetings, I used to try to occupy myself by constructing word rectangles, prefereably with words that commented on the meeting:
      s n o w      s c r u m      m e a t      f l u      p i g
      h o b o      a r i s e      a c r e      a i r      a c e
      a v e r      v o t e s      s h i n      d e n      n e t
      k e y s      e w e r s      t o a d
      e l s e
                   t o d a y      f o p        i n
                   e r o d e      a d e        s o
                   n e e d s      d o e
                                  e r r
  34. The name "Oedipus" means: swollen ankles due to his father having hired hit men to leave the baby abandoned to die on a hill with his ankles bound.
  35. Michael Jackson was also the first person to undergo a species-change operation. Maybe Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner were next? Or was it Nancy Reagan?
  36. "[Samuel] Alito is considered 'one of the most conservative justices on the [Supreme] Court'". (Wikipedia) "Invoking the First Amendment's free speech clause, Justice Alito... claimed that the state was discriminating against churches on the basis of their 'viewpoint.' 'Religion counts as a viewpoint,' he wrote..." (NYT, 30 July 2020, OpEd: "The Supreme Court's Religious Crusaders Take On the Pandemic Response").
  37. Song Afghanistan militants sing to help their babies sleep: "Tora Bora, Bora. Tora Bora, die. Tora Bora, Bora, that's a Taliban lullaby. [ / ] Tora Bora, Bora. Tora Bora, die. Tora Bora, Bora, Omar, don't you cry. [ / ] Tora Bora, Bora. Tora Bora, die. Tora Bora, Bora, that's a Taliban lullaby."
  38. My father was a sales manager. I once told one of his salesmen who smoked cigars this. Sigmund Freud was addicted to smoking cigars and died from oral cancer.
  39. Baltimore's own. But not exactly like Fort McHenry and Francis Scott Key. I was born in Baltimore, Maryland. Zappa was apparently a musical genius. Also a victim of prostate cancer. RIP, Frank Zappa.
  40. This is a real old time IBM employees' joke. This acronym does not apply to all IBM managers. It does apply to some managers outside IBM.
  41. Ronald Reagan (POTUS №40) being interviewed by David Letterman (1975)
  42. This is basicly true, albeit not verbatim.
  43. Some monks slept in their coffins. Might this have been a spiritual practice, in part, to appreciate living more than people who sleep in a bed and don't straighten up the bed when they drag themselves out it each morning? Might having spent the night where you sooner or later going to go make you want to seize the day because of being reminded you can't count on having another one?
  44. The Bell Telephone Company ran a competition for Mr. Dialtone U.S.A. Who won (pick one)? (A) Ronald Reagan (POTUS №40), or (B) George W. Bush (POTUS №43), or (C) Donald J. Trump (POTUS №45). or (D) Danforth Quayle, or (E) Sarah Palin, or (F) Other.
  45. Q: Why should you always keep your seatbelt securely fastened when flying on a commercial airplane? A: To help keep your body from being ejected from the fuselage on impact. (Your chances of surviving truly are greatly improved over the alternative.)
    Foghorn Leghorn worked someplace where he had to give bi-weekly status reports. When his [twit] manager quasi-sheepishly intimated to him he wanted to change to weekly reports (like Hitler testing Great Britain and France in Czechoslovakia), what did Foghorn reply? "No problem, boss. 'Cause you know, boss, two half nuthin's make a whole nuthin'". (It is possible I actually said this to a not straightforwardly amusing manager I had, once; it seems to "ring a bell".)
    Contrast: I think in college I actually asked eminent philosophy professor John Wild how he could be up on a podium lecturing to us students about human freedom, and he apologized.
"Some fine day, you will come to Waterville, Maine: The Silent Woman."
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