My(BMcC[18-11-46-503]) biological progenitors [aka: parents] staged a one act Morality play when I was about 4 years old, for an audience of one: me
"Jesus, tender shepherd hear me, bless this little lamb tonite. Thou hast warmed and clothed and feed me. Listen to my evening prayer. Good nite. Sweet dreams. Sleep well." (Prayer (BMcC[18-11-46-503]) had to say to his parents, each night, on going to bed; I slurred the words to get it over with)
Yes, my reader, this really happened to me (BMcC[18-11-46-503]) when I was about 4 or at most 5 years old. The house was not so upscale. My mother was only carrying one small suitcase, a little bigger than an attache case. The words were not so articulate: I probably didn't think any words but was just intimidated; my mother was not that educated, and I don't think she said any words either. My father was in the picture; he was the voiceover: Warning me what was going to happen unless I told my mother I loved her. ☠
Faced with the threat of abandonment, of course I capitulated. They won a Pyrrhic victory. They had exposed their monstrous inner core (of which they themselves possibly were unaware → did they have any self-awareness?). Obviously they did not appreciate that the words they got out of my mouth did not connote when they denoted, but were just bone offered up to try to distract/appease two attacking attacking dogs. I have no memory what happened next. I must have given them enough tribute to appease them.
I fought back in the few ways I could. By extreme good fortune, I was unable to blow my nose. Sucking the mucous in made a nose they did not like, so I was able to tell them my opinion of them by sucking in my snot. Also when we visited my grandmother's house I would work on chiseling a hole through the basement's concrete wall. It wasn't very big but my grandfather did not like it. These people never "got" the message.
We know from psychoanalysis (D.W. Winnicott) that a small child needs a "holding environment", which is normatively provided by a loving mother. What was I to do, especially since I did not have a safe house to flee to?
Counterfactual: Let's rewrite all this shit. My mother was still an ambulatory schizophrenic but she had grown up in old wealth tutored by a loving old lady who was down on her luck Russian aristocracy, so she had been pampered like a pet poodle all her childhood and grown up to be a shy cultured flower. My father [General Turgidson?] was still away from home much of the time but he was a wing commander in General Curtis Lemay's strategic bomber command, always preparing to drop a hydrogen bomb Moscow at a moment's notice, and later pointlessly circling the North Pole in Operation Chromedome all the time. With her innate artistic ability my mother would play with me all day, enchanting me with all sorts of Dr Seuss-like little pictures and other things, like she would use scissors to make paper fantasy flowers for us to "water" with a construction paper watering can.... She would tire easily from the after-effects of her childhood polio, but we would have a very sweet pet cat who would gently play with me while mommy napped ["Meow!"]. And maybe we'd have a harpsichord so I could try to play Bach like aunty Wanda? If my mother had no boundaries, and I had no playmates, and we were both alone together all the time, what's wrong with pleasuring yourself or even a little incest, aunt Anna? I would never have had reason to call my mother: "mud". She would have richly earned "mommy". Except for seeing my father's head when he came home occasionally for a couple days, I would never have known that males got haircutted. "School"? What's that, mommy? Please read me the story about Gregor Samsa again, mommy! She might have a drink or two of Napoleon XO with my good nanny each afternoon, and let me taste it too... But never a real alcohol problem since we could always listen to aunt Wanda on the Victrola. And she and I would have lived happily ever forward.
As I have not forgotten my IBM manager with the "How to stuff a wild duck" poster on his wall told me: "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride."