The Winner

"I won!"

After kissing his 486th First Place World Championship victory trophy, the greatest competitive athlete in human history turned to address his audience of hundreds of thousands of screaming testosterone crazed ultra-patriotic God help America!God help Ukraine!God help Great Britain! non-HVAC fans:

"Quiet please. [waits for the crowd to calm down] I want to tell: Winning is bad. I have made so many of my fellow athletes, who often were and always should have been my friends, be losers. Nobody should be a loser, because we are all equal as children of our Creator.

You worship me, or almost do. But I am just an ordinary mortal like you, who had the good fortune to be born with an incredible ability to whack a tennis ball around. I know many of you, unlike me, go to work each day to a job which at best means nothing to you and some of you even risk your health and even your life each day doing that. I am not a saint. I enjoy a glass of beer, just like you do or should. So, today I am giving all but two million dollars of my winnings to the International Rescue Committee and for the rest of my life ninety percent of everything I may receive in product endorsements, speaking fees and other activities which for me are easy and enjoyable, unlike the work many of you have to do. You don't have to worry, I will live the rest of my life in comfort, God willing: as a volunteer with no fee, to speak with the students at any school in a poor neighborhood that wants to have me talk with their students.

I am retiring today, at the peak of my career, and I am asking that all competitive sports, which are not fun but very serious enterprise, be abolished. Let all of us, men, women and others, always cooperate with one another to make life better for each and all! In any future conflict on this earth, I will not compete or take sides: I will be available to: mediate. All of you! Stop arguing with each other. If you are on a battlefield listening to me on the radio, lay down your arms and embrace your bothers on the other side of no man's land! If your officers don't like it, let them join too.

Each person's life is precious. Every man, woman and other is a winner: you are still alive today. And now, I will end -- please, all you news reporters, make sure your camera lenses are in perfect focus for this: I will now smash this silver plated trophy on the ground in front of my feet and raise my two hands to pray to the Creator of all of us for universal peace and friendship among all. [smashes the trophy on the ground; it bounces into the hands of a security guard.]

For those of you have more than enough to eat tonite, open your door to someone who does not. No more clenched fists! No more bared teeth! If you are, like me, privileged to stand on a platform of honor, reach your hand down to help someone else up. I ask the man I defeated in this last competition of all and forever, to come up and share this platform with me. [waits while some people go drag the guy out of the locker room] We have both fought the good fight. We finished the course. We kept the faith. The war is over for us -- here's half the prize money, my good friend [hands over $250,000 to the man he defeated] -- and we can all, including first of all, my now former adversary, go home for a well earned rest.

This game is now over. Everybody be safe going home. May our Good Lord bless us all, this day, tomorrow, and forever more!"

The sportscasters are stunned in the press booth. They are at a loss for words. Some stations chose to fake power failures and cease transmission while they called all their executives to figure out how to respond to this potentially catastrophic development. Members of the nation's President's Cabinet proposed sending medical personnel to tranquilize the speaker and take him to a mental hospital for treatment. You, my reader, figure out the rest of this story for yourself.  

+2022.10.04 v011
Prev2a.gifReturn to the short story

Unfortunate for themself, the person who lacks one; unfortunate for others, the person that is one. Don't be an a**hole!

United Nations flag. The only good nation is a neutral nation. This page has been validated as HTML 5.