Welcome+2024.01.26. I am reeling from the problem with my computer that required destroying all the data on it and a complete reinstallation ofht operating system. The vendor finally more or less fixed it yeaterday but it's not the way it was. I did not lose anything significant of my data. I had been more or less conscientious in taking backups. But I lost what I had that was part of the computer itself, not mine. Some things are "grayer", lets say. It has made me feel helpless and like nothing I do has any value. I have lost my appetite and no longer see the nights as too short for all I want to get done but more like how am I going to get through to the morning? As of one week after the disaster, the computer is more or less back where it was but I am not back where I was. Even little idiosyncratic attitudes have lost their appeal, like using the public toilet in the Stop and Shop supermarket when I shop there in the mornings to avoid messing the toilet seat at home which upset Lisa. The main things that has collapsed is my engagement with the Ukraine war mess which was energizing me and now seems what is always was: pointless ince I have no power to do anything about it. And the Israel-Palestine mess too. (This was all totally unexpected; I should have been aware of such possibilities!)
The war news from Ukraine and Gaza mores horriblq than before. But it was not "affecting me" (making me feel dispirited and hopeless and frightened) before. Now it has really "got to me". I send my daily message to the White House webstite asking them to stop the Ukraine war but it doesn't feel worth it now. After the Ukrainians shot down a Russian plane delivering Ukrainian prisoners of war for a prisoner swap on Belgorod Russia, I got up energy to write a posting to Mr. Zelensky's "The servant of the people" website, but that did not feel worth it to do this either and I had to "push" myself to do it but I did finally do it. The American government has been causing trouble for a ver ylong time and I imagine I can understand why people do this. They're not going to change.
There is obviously nothing I coan do about any of it. I am just a passenger in the car and I have no say where it is going. It seems [to me,,,] that the United States is wrong in all is wars and potential wars; we should have worked out ways for everybody to live together. But also: Our putative adversaries seem to be each unified with itself, whether they are good or bad: Russia, The Palestineans, Russia, China. We and our allies are each fighting with itself: The U.S., Israel and Ukraine. The Republicans against the Democrats here, Netanyahu against almost everybody else in Israel, and Zelensky against General Valerii Zaluzhny in Ukraine. It looks like a recipe for things to keep getting worse.
Llet's look at China. In the early 19th Century the Brtish wanted to trade with China but they had nothing the Chinese wnted to buy. So they came up with opium. Any wonder China is angagonistic toward us? Palestine: In World War I, the Britich wanted to avoid being defeated by Germany so they came up wtih the Balfour Declaration. Any wonder the Palestinians don't like us? Ukraine. Russia awanted to be friends ater the end of the Soviet Union but we decided we did ot like them and wanted to push NATO east. So all these messes were avoidable.
It seems that Chin did relatively little to contribute to its mess. They did want to trade with The West to get silver and hey had delicious luxury goods the foolish rich people in The West Want ed to play with. But they did 't need to. Ukraine is a mess but the war did not need to happen had we not used Ukraine as a weapon again s Russia. Israel is maybe diffferent? All the survivors from the concentration camps had no place to retur to. Our easy solution: send them to relatibely unpopulated place: Palestine, and the people there would juat have to move aside."We" solvved a big problem on the Palestiians and they did not like it. Israel seems to be much ore difficult then the other places.
I have considered it an accomplishment each da to eat somthing, and stay up until 3PM to go to bed. Yesterday, Monday 29 January, I was veryupset trying to pay my Optum medical bill and at first, having made it to their opening time 9AM, their phone sysem was failing. By 10:00 it was working and I did my best with a very helpful agent who had me pay my outstanding bill for about $44 but she asured me she could not find the "$15 overdue" that I seem to also have. I did my best but it had taken a lot ou of me. I did get the pharmacy to pick p the prescription I had almos run out of and even bought the 2 blttles of citrate of magnesiz in preparation for my colooscopy hich is coming in March, but that was "close" since I could not find the bar codes on the bottles to get them through the self-checkout and I feared I was going to need to go to the toilet and also with a mask on, short of breath. n exmployee cam to by rescue. At night I am having to get up to go to the toilet. Fortunate Nibble Cat is keeping me company. I have unplesant thoughts aboutthe wars and HTML. Not nightmares but not "warm nd fluffy". I do get thru the night in bed to 1AM or, 2 nites ago, 3AM. I used to be funning on 4 or 5 hours in bed, and up and at it on the computer.
The meaning of life is the community. But it needs to work in both directions: The community needs to nurture the individual's individuality and the individual needs to be able to express his (her, other's) individuality in ways that contribute to the community. I have often boasted I have enough thughts and books to keep occupied if I would live to 120. Push has come to shove here. But I also always said that all of culture is not worth anything if your basic needs are not securely met.
Ih am very hard on myself.
 Invenit et fecit |
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