Zelensky: A morality play in one act ------------------------------------ Dramatis personae Zelensky: Comedian and television actor, turned politician. Currently self-made President of Ukraine Mrs. Zelensky: Wife of Zelensky Joe Biden: 46th President of The United States of America Act I and only act (Setting: Zelensky home living room near Kyiv) Mrs. Zelensky: Good morning, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! How are we doing today? Zelensky: We're going great, wife! I got a whole bunch of Abrams Fighting Vehicles and Raptor drones from our good friend Joe Biden. He's coming through for us! Mrs. Zelensky: Great to hear, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! How much longer do you think until we can take a little vacation in our 15 room villa in Tuscany nextdoor to our fellow oligarchs, and get away from this depressing country? Zelensky: Shouldn't be too long, wife. We are crushing Putin's army with the most advanced weapons in the world from our good friend Joe Biden. His morals like our own are virtuous, so we are winning! Maybe a week or two until our army seizes Moscow? Mrs. Zelensky: That's really exciting, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! Are you going to rename that big plaza there Zelensky Square and get rid of Vladimir Lenin's pickled body? Zelensky: Let's not be overconfident, wife! First things first: War Crime Tribunals for Putin and all his generals, and next reparations from Russia for all the damage they have done to our country. And then maybe we'll vacation in Krasnodar Krai ["Putin's Palace"] instead? Mrs. Zelensky: OK, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych. What's on your agenda for today? Zelensky: A press conference to complain about Russia destroying our oil refineries. How dare they! And asking everybody for more weapons because they will see how much damage Mr. Putin is still doing to our country and how many more war crimes the Russians are committing and how desperate we are! We can never get enough weapons. Like every day. Mrs. Zelensky: Of course, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! What was that sound I heard just now in the distance? Zelensky: Hold on, wife, let me look. [Brief pause while Zelensky looks out the window] Zelensky: Oh, it's nothing wife. Just a big column of ash rising into the sky above the city. Mrs. Zelensky: You sure it's nothing, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych? Zelensky: Nothing to worry about, wife. Just probably a Russian hydrogen bomb, like their last Tsar: Bomba. I don't believe in that sort of stuff. But I know, you worry, so give the kids some Iodine pills like you keep in the medicine cabinet if that will make you feel more comfortable. I assure you: It's no big deal. Nothing can stop our advance to Vladivostok! Mrs. Zelensky: Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! Are you sure we're safe here? What's that black rain I see coming down? Vladivostok? I thought we were going to Moscow? Zelensky: Change of plans, wife. Our army is advancing so fast I don't want to lose momentum! I always knew Russia was a paper tiger! Vladivostok or bust! -- I am liberating all the people of Russia! They will all be free, even the ones who do not want to be! And then I'm expecting a phone call From Oslo [Norway], for my Nobel Peace Prize! Mrs. Zelensky: If you say so, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych. Maybe you should take your umbrella? [Zelensky storms out the front door of the house without his umbrella.... Three minutes later he's coming back in.] Mrs. Zelensky: Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! The skin is peeling off your face. What happened? You need a doctor, Volodymyr Oleksandrovych! Zelensky: Don't be silly, wife. I don't need a doctor; i just could use a flak vest. I need more B-52s! We're going to nuke every major city in Russia today. I've had it pussy footing around with Mr. Putin and letting him keep shelling our lines! We're going to get him today! Joe Biden will help us, I'm sure he will! -- Ukrainian men are brave! We are winning this war all by ourselves! Mrs. Zelensky: Volodymyr Oleksandrovych. I'm a little concerned that you've maybe pushed Mr. Putin too far and maybe we are going to die from radiation poisoning today? Zelensky: Stop worrying, wife! I told you we are winning!. Our morals are virtuous and our men are brave and our weapons are the best. [Zelensky loses consciousness and dies while dialing Joe Biden's secret secure cellphone number, and Mrs. Zelensky dies soon after in agony. The entire Northern Hemisphere has become uninhabitable due to thermonuclear bomb blasts and fallout everywhere. The Southern hemisphere will shortly follow suit. Most life on earth above grasses and cockroaches goes extinct. The End.]